The greatest thing we can do for ourselves and others is to love and accept who we are. Criticism is non-acceptance which damages our health and well-being. Criticising others will make them feel unloved and that they can't do anything right. Attempting to change another means we don't accept who we are. We might think we are helping them, however, the side effects of attempting to change another person have a powerful backlash.
We Often Replicate Patterns We Saw Modeled By Our Parents
When we attempt to "help" others by getting them to change what they do or how they do it shows a lack of trust. Others need to make their way learning as we do as they go. Choosing to continue to control or change others means we are unaware of what our unconscious mind is running in the background. Long-term effects of control can be an overbearing attitude which causes us as mothers to have issues with breast cancer and other serious illnesses. Typically, when we are overbearing we don't see it as in our mind we are "helping."
Having a critical parent lowers our self-esteem. Often we repeat the patterns that our parents modeled for us. When we critique our children we are attempting to change who they are. Once our children reach the age of eighteen we need to let go and allow them to fall, fail and recover on their own. Any attempt to avoid these pitfalls cripples and damages the young adult. I speak from personal experience. I protected my first born son repeatedly by catching him, bailing him out of trouble repeatedly which slowed his lessons causing them to be delayed to continue well into his thirties until he learned on his own. Parents with healthy self-esteem are more able to give tough love allowing their offspring to fall.
We have to allow others to have their personal experience, learning as they go. Life is all about learning our lessons. We can't stop another person from having their experience any more than we want others to prevent us from having ours.
What Is Our Role As A Parent?
A parent's job is to love, accept, encourage, guide, and protect from harm. Our children are longing for freedom and independence. We need to encourage independence by guiding rather than detailing how each experience needs to be executed. As parents, we often end up attempting to rule their world to prevent failure.
When our children become young adults a parent needs to be a child's biggest cheerleader allowing them to pick and choose, fall on their face when they fail. When a young-adult fails, a parent needs to encourage them to make decisions, guide but not criticise. When a young adult is allowed to fail early, their lessons, later on, aren't quite so painful. Emotional maturity comes more easily when independence is encouraged rather than pre-empted.
I had an overbearing, controlling mother. I remember being in the basement practicing the piano in my early teens. My mother would be upstairs cleaning and would yell down at me each time I made a mistake as if I couldn't hear it myself. Sometimes, she would stomp on the floor to let me know and then yell "WRONG!" I made more mistakes when I was in fear of her admonishment.
Years later, when I met and moved to Maryland to live with Bill Gates, my mother "visited" intent on changing my behavior because she was embarrassed her daughter was living in sin. It didn't matter that I was 800 miles away and no one in Ontario could see what I was doing. She insisted that Bill marry me, which he did. We only knew each other five months at the time. I wasn't ready. Her reply was, "It's far easier to get divorced!" Easier for whom? My mother then continued to critique and criticize my husband focusing on everything that was "wrong" with him. No parent has the right to tell a child to marry or not and has no business critiquing their partners or friends. When we do, we tell our child no matter how old they are that they are inept and have no idea how to run their lives. Our overbearing attitude leaves the child feeling inept, unable to please the parent or do anything right.
We also instill in our off-spring the need to continually return for guidance to our parent who is totally enmeshed in our lives. The situation is unhealthy and debilitating rather than helpful. In my case, because my mother made every decision for me, when I left home I couldn't decide on what to order in a restaurant, what color dress to buy and who was good for me. I second-guessed myself constantly fearing failure. My self-esteem was so low from the constant criticism that I was filled with self-loathing. I didn't feel loved, safe or validated. My thoughts replayed the criticism I heard as a child.
Trauma in our childhood whether it is losing a parent early, having alcoholic or addicted parents, being unwanted or unloved all help to create a background of negativity and feelings of being unlovable, unworthy and undeserving. Perpetuating these feelings with our thoughts continues to impact our psyche, body, unconscious mind and eventually our health.
My Personal Discovery of Creating Ill Health
When I began my healing journey, I began to realize that my negativity and self-loathing were killing me. My thoughts were hateful, filled with scorn and criticism. I was sick all the time. I hated myself and my body. I had repressed anger, constant bladder and sinus infections. I got colds, the flu, and rashes all over my body.
I was depressed, negative, anxious; I had Fibromyalgia and Epstein-Barr syndrome, an autoimmune disease. My body was failing because I told it was ugly, useless and flawed constantly. I perpetuated what my parents said to me. I was a useless female that didn't deserve to go to college and would never amount to anything. I jumped from job to job and marriage to marriage. I was a perfectionist a people pleaser and a chameleon. I tried to be what I thought others would like. I was highly emotional and suppressed what I truly thought. I looked for happiness and validation outside of me.
What I Let Go Of To Heal
I stopped giving energy to things that didn't matter.
I stopped focusing on what others thought of me.
I began to change my thoughts from self-defeating, critical and derisive, to loving and accepting.
I stopped being critical of myself and others,
I stopped worrying about what others thought of me.
I stopped being late.
I stopped making excuses.
I stopped complaining.
As I did my health began to improve. Little by little, I became happier. I stopped being the chameleon to be accepted, trying to please others and began to be authentically me. I became happier. My depression lifted without medication! My anxiety and worry eased and went away. I am now 61 and have no pain in any part of my body.
Loving thoughts heal the body and the mind. JEM
What Helped Me Most
I was diligent about changing my thoughts from negative to positive.
I used mantras in the background of my mind to reprogram my mind.
I meditated daily.
I became mindful.
I stopped multi-tasking.
I became disciplined.
I witnessed my reactions to situations.
I processed my emotions.
I stopped watching the news.
I stopped reading the paper.
I moved away from my family that was toxic.
I was watchful of being true to myself.
I was gentle, nurturing and loving to me.
I took care of my needs first, instead of the needs of others.
I cleared my energy field several times a week and more if I needed it.
Constant criticism doesn't allow our body to thrive. When our body doesn't meet our expectations, we hate our bodies.
We make statements about this hate which destroy cells and create illness. Perfectionism, control, and fear are what lead to critiquing our every failing. Instead of making your body the enemy why not make friends with it and love it instead?
Loving thoughts send calming signals to the brain.
Negative thoughts create incongruent thought waves and create acidity in our body.
Imagine how it feels to have someone tell you how beautiful you are. Imagine how it feels to have someone pay you a compliment on how great you look. Now feel what those thoughts do to your body. Imagine what it would feel like to have only loving thoughts in your mind about your body. Loving thoughts create perfect, vital health.
We can just as easily create perfect vital health with our thoughts. Unfortunately, our society, big pharma, and even the medical profession do not support the positive creation of vital health. What most people fail to recognize is that every illness, pain, and disease is created by our thoughts and emotions.
Wouldn't You Rather Have Perfect Health?
Fighting problems are not the answer! Focusing on the problem rather than the solution creates more problems.
Tap in and see what you feel.
Breathe deeply three times to tap in.
Inhale slowly and completely.
Inhale again completely.
Repeat this exercise once more.
Fighting illness creates poor health. We can't fight anything and win. We have to love our bodies, make friends with ourselves to create a healthy body.
Positive thoughts about ourselves create health and well-being.
Negative thoughts about ourselves create illness and disease.
Suppressing anger creates depression.
Believing that we aren't in control of lives creates anxiety.
When we think loving thoughts about our body, we create vital health. Negative thoughts create negative feelings about yourself and body. Constant criticism will eventually cause you physical pain to signify you are headed in the wrong direction. If you ignore your body's signs diseases are the next level of notification. Auto-immune problems and diseases are created by your thoughts. They didn't just happen!
Loving thoughts create congruency in the brain, like deep dreamless sleep, they heal our body and mind. Loving thoughts alleviate anxiety and create happiness. Just like any new fitness or health regime, we need to practice thinking loving thoughts daily so that our brain will begin to make new healthy grooves and patterns.
There is another way. Life can be hard. Honor your path and what you have been through. Heartbreak, sadness, abuse, a struggle is all real and very challenging. You have done your best. Give yourself credit for what you have done and experienced. You have been through a lot. It hasn't been easy. Honor the journey you have been on.
It is time to let go of suffering. Begin by forgiving yourself using the simple prayer of forgiveness here. This prayer is what I used to move out of shame and suffering.
Forgive yourself for whatever you have done or said to yourself in the past that was harmful, mean or cruel.
Close your eyes.
Breathe in slowly and completely to bring yourself into your body and the present moment.
Exhale completely. Repeat twice more.
Repeat the Ho'oponopono prayer slowly out loud until you have an emotional release or feel a shift in your energy. Sometimes this involves crying. Sometimes it involves laughter. Allow emotions come up to be released. Feeling your emotions fully is what is required to be happy and healthy.
Mantras To Heal You
Place your hands over your heart chakra
I love me.
I love my body.
I am safe.
I am secure.
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Not sure you can do this alone? You don't have to. Let's set up a time to talk. I'd love to hear about your personal situation and see if I can help. E-mail me and we'll set up a time to chat. JenniferElizabethMasters@gmail.comPublished in